Uncoachable Kids from A Coach’s Perspective

Self Care

Lately, I’ve been seeing videos of unruly children. Not unruly, uncivil and ill-mannered is a better way to put it and I feel really bad for the children in these situations. Their parents have failed them and now, they’re on the internet making fools of themselves and will have a very hard time in their future. One such video I saw this morning, a teenage boy about 15 smashed his phone and threw it in the pool simply because he wanted the newest iPhone and his mom refused because the phone he had worked perfectly.

This type of behavior is rampant in kids now. And I can’t blame the parents fully, however, in most of these videos the parents do not stand up their kids. They hush them, try to talk low and quiet to get them to calm down, appease them or make excuses for them but that’s allowing that behavior to continue. For what? Because you don’t want family dinner to be awkward? It’s really appalling and then when the other people around take action, they’re they villain.

“Uncoachable kids become unemployable adults. Let your kid get used to somebody being tough on them. That’s life, get over it!” – Patrick Murphy, Alabama Softball

I don’t want to seem preachy or out of line but from being on the receiving and observing end as a coach, here’s the issue with this. These kids are allowed to behave in such a poor manner with no discipline that when they get out into the real world, they fail. Why? Well, they don’t know how to behave in society. Or they become bullies and the only success they see is because they forced their way into it likely by acting the way they always have and people gave them what they wanted to shut them up. They get jobs but can’t keep them very long because they mouth off to their boss or a customer and get fired then, they throw a fit and blame everyone else except their own behavior because they were never taught accountability.

The other issue, parents are putting their kids above anything else. This tells that child that their needs and their desires come before anyone else’s and that will carry over to their real world interactions. Love your kids, cherish them, protect them but they need to know that are other things and other people more important than them. They need to know their time and place. I grew up on a farm and was raised that I don’t get fed until the animals do, why? It’s teaching discipline, responsibility and accountability. I understood that those animals depended on me to live and not that their lives were more important than mine, but held the same value and so I was humbled early-on and learned to respect the lives around me.

This is not the best example because not everyone will have that experience but this can be taught in many ways with regard to many other situations. For instance, the issue with the iPhone example. This mother was one of the few that actually stood up to her kid but that whole ordeal could’ve probably been avoided had he not been given whatever he wanted at a younger age. By this I mean, when he was old enough to get his first phone, you don’t just hand him the newest one. I never did, my parents got the upgrades and the new phones and my siblings got their phones. We got what we got and we didn’t throw a fit.

So how do we curtail this issue? Well in this day and age, it’s really hard because the people who are supposed to be teaching real life skills and discipline, and manners, outside the home, are being made out to be the bad guys. Who are they? Coaches, teachers, mentors, other adults … anyone who challenges the child and their behavior is the bad guy while the parents just sit back and tell Junior to calm down. The parents lack of accountability for their kid’s behavior and actions makes it harder to teach them anything and the parents almost never have the other parties side either. If your kid is failing a class, it’s not necessarily the teachers fault, sure it can be but what is your kid doing in class? Do they behave and participate? Are they doing their homework? Are they showing up? These are things parents tend to ignore and just take the kid’s word as gold and go in both barrels loaded to have a parent teacher conference and basically attack the teacher under the guise that they suck at their job instead of finding the root cause. You’re not helping your child by allowing them to act out and by fighting their battles for them and by taking their side all the time. It’s a tough place to be in as a parent, I can understand that, but your child’s success depends on how they’re raised and if you’re not willing to do it then someone else has to.

I used to coach volleyball and I loved it, I thought it was going to be my passion and career but my last two seasons coaching were the worst experiences of my life and basically forced me to stop. I’ve meant to go back but now I have my reservations. I had a decent team of 12 and 13-year old girls, all very sweet and I enjoyed them very much. When you play sports, there’s consequences for under-performing, not showing up to practices, missing games, conditioning …. it is a sport after all. Anyways, one of the girls had missed nearly 4 practices before our first tournament and the team I coached for had it in their player contract, that for every missed practice the child would sit out a set in the following tournament. So she did, and her parents were on the sidelines the entire first match with me yelling at me while I should’ve been coaching my team because she wasn’t going to be playing until the last match due to her attendance. My issues were also exclusively with parents too so I think I was lucky in that regard. I only dealt with one really disrespectful kid who refused to partake in drills she didn’t like, never did any of the conditioning and started issues on the team.

What does the child gain from this? Nothing. Her parents showed her that mommy and daddy would fight her battles for her, that there is no consequences for her actions and that even though she broke the rules it didn’t matter. She and her parents were missing the point and she missed out on her first real life lesson.

Kids need boundaries and they need rules and they need parents. Have a great relationship with your children but know where to draw the line between friend and parent. It’s just like owning or running a business but being friends with some of the people that work there. It’s still your responsibility to know when to draw that line and to hold them accountable. Both of which make coachable humans.

How did you learn the skills you have? I bet your parents helped teach you as well as any other adult in charge that helped shape and mold you. My coaches taught me more about how to behave but still be intense and get what I want but if parents aren’t allowing teachers, coaches and mentors to teach … and these things aren’t being taught at home? What kind of child are you producing for this world? I don’t want to give parenting advice, I’m not a parent but this is my opinion from being on the receiving end. I wish parents would understand how much harder they’re making things on their kids when they don’t hold them accountable for their actions and behaviors and won’t allow teachers and coaches to do their jobs. It takes a village to raise a human being, so why villainize those who can help?

Motivation vs. Discipline: What’s the big deal

Self Care

Motivation and discipline go hand in hand when it comes to achieving success but are very inherently different in application. People who are motivated are the best to be around, they always seem to be in an upbeat mood and are always encouraging others to do better but what if I told you that person was living a lie? Motivation is fine and dandy but takes so much energy to obtain and maintain where as having discipline means you do whatever you have to do, no matter what and that mentality will get you far further in life.

So let’s break that down. Motivation is the procrastinators worst enemy and is the worst enemy of anyone trying to accomplish a large task that they maybe don’t want to. There’s the key right there, it’s something they don’t want to do in the first so they have to talk themselves into doing it. However, more often than not, you end up talking yourself out of things. I’m super guilty of this; presented with a larger than normal task and instead of buckling down to do it, I make excuses as to why I can’t do it yet and eventually talk myself out of whatever I was doing. Motivation is good to get you going but once you’re motivated to do something, turn that into discipline to actually get it done.

Motivation is a waiting game, to put it simply. You’re waiting for the conditions to be right in order to complete whatever task you needed to complete and that will always lead to failure or procrastination. Motivation requires you to rely on it, to be dependent on your ability to talk yourself into doing things but no offense, some of us aren’t very good motivators.

So how do you go from, “I can’t do that now” to just doing it no matter what? Well, it won’t be easy. You’re going to have to train yourself to have self-discipline and just like anything, this will take daily practice and mindfulness to master.

The first thing to do is to stop reading about motivation. It’s a fallacy that people have made millions of dollars off of and it’s sickening because motivation means nothing. I know people who everyday say, “Tomorrow’s the day, I’m going to wake up early and go the gym!” but when the day comes, their motivation has gone and they no longer want to do those things and they’re not disciplined to do it anyways. So why read about something that won’t help you? Because we’re told to believe that motivation is the key to success, but it’s not self-discipline is. Motivation comes and goes and is easy to talk yourself out of but discipline requires mindfulness and accountability.

Second, you need to know your weaknesses and what may tempt you because knowing yourself first, is key to mastering self-discipline. My biggest weakness, is sleeping. I would skip my own funeral to take a nap. Recognizing your weaknesses and temptations will help you plan for them so that you won’t have to compromise your progress. One thing I do that helps me get out of bed faster, especially when all I want to do is sleep, I take my cat’s food up at night. Why? Because every day around 6am she will inevitably wake me up to feed her and because this furry little creature depends on me, it forces me to get up anyways. It motivates me to get up sure, but I have to make the choice to get up so that she doesn’t go hungry, I have to be disciplined enough to get up and feed her instead of saying, “She can wait one or two more hours”. Once I’m up, I try to be mindful and make the decision to stay up by making a smoothie, some food or drinking some ice cold water because if I allow myself to go back to sleep, I’ll lose that progress. I also use a lot of caffeine to get myself going, Genius Caffeine is my saviour on those mornings that I really don’t want to be up. It gives me a good amount of energy but I don’t get the jitters or the crash like with other caffeine products or energy drinks. So once you know your weaknesses and temptations, make a plan to overcome them and then make another plan in case you fail, both that are simple enough you won’t have to think twice about it but matters enough that you will do it no matter what.

This one ties right in with the last. Set small goals that will accumulate to a much larger accomplishment. This is a great tool to use with any large project or any task that seems overwhelming. Break it down into bite sized pieces, accomplish one at a time and in no time, you’ll have completed the whole thing. Mastering self-discipline is no different. Because this skill takes constant practice and mindfulness, at times it can be quite draining to acquire so breaking your self-discipline goals down into bite sized pieces will help you be more successful and will feel much more rewarding. For instance, you want to be more disciplined and not eat after 9pm. Seems easy but trust me, it’s tough. One way to break down this goal is to set a bedtime and a cutoff time. Let’s say your normal bedtime is 12am, let’s keep that and set the cutoff time for 10pm, just two hours with no food. You’re successful with this for one full week so you keep your bedtime at 12am but you push your cutoff time back 30-minutes to 930pm. You nail this one for another week, so you take your cutoff time back another 30-minutes to 9pm and you kill it and now you’ve created a new habit! What we did here is change only one thing to keep it simple, the cutoff time for eating, if you try to change too much too soon, you will fail regardless. Remember, it takes about 40,000 repetitions of something to really create a habit, and about 100,000 to correct the habit so replacing your old habit with a new one is far easier than trying to correct your old habit.

 Expect and accept failure, just don't let it control you. 
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Now, in the event that you fail, it’s not that it’s no big deal but be mindful and try to figure out and understand why you failed; Did you not eat enough during the day? Did you eat dinner while watching something or being distracted? Are you properly hydrated? All things you can ask yourself with regard to the above example, but once you identify why you failed, be disciplined enough to start fresh right away; don’t, “wait for tomorrow”. So you mess up and eat cereal at 10pm, oops. Acknowledge you messed up, take accountability for your actions and make a plan so you will stop eating that night and won’t fail again tomorrow. Remember, failure is part of progress, if we don’t fail we don’t learn and if we’re not learning, we’re not trying. Expect and accept failure, just don’t let it control you. The most successful people take their failures and grow from them so they don’t make the same mistake again.

Lastly, change your perception of willpower and discipline. You have to believe you have the willpower to make the right choices and the discipline to make the right choice even if you’re willpower fails. If you’re walking down the candy aisle and excuse your lack of discipline for lack of willpower you will never be able to achieve a high-level of discipline. Willpower turns to discipline when practiced enough so instead, acknowledge that you want the candy but then also acknowledge that you’re strong and are disciplined with willpower so your forego the candy and set a future reward for not giving in now. For instance, tell yourself that if you can not eat after 9pm for a whole week, you’ll reward yourself with candy. Positive reinforcement and reward will make achieving your goals and acquiring the skill of self-discipline much easier. If there’s nothing to look forward to, there’s no motivator for doing something.


Thank you for tuning in today and I really hope this helps someone out there. I know I’ve struggled with discpline so just know, you’re not alone.

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The Art of Letting Go

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Why is letting go so hard? And it could be for anything. Letting go of an ex who’s finally moved on, letting go of that notebook with all your old cringey journals in it, or even letting go of clothes that no longer serve a purpose in your life but still hold so many memories. We as humans, love to make ourselves miserable. It’s easy to be miserable; you don’t have to take accountability for your emotions or thoughts, you don’t have to try to be happy, it takes very little effort and energy and thus we get stuck there. But this is a choice. When you hang onto things and wallow in misery it’s mindless and comforting. You have to choose to let things go when they come up and make you feel any type of way. This takes mindfulness on your part because you have to be aware of how you feel, when you feel these things and you have to take action immediately. Have a conversation with yourself before you react to those feelings or thoughts and ask yourself, “Why do I feel this way?”, “What caused me to feel this way?”, “How can I move on from these feelings?” Here are 7 tips so you can master the art of letting go!

7: Be Aware of How Things Make You Feel

This will take practice and energy and it will be the hardest part of learning to let go but you have to be mindful of how things make you feel. Once you identify how things make you feel and what stirs up those emotions, you can begin to let it all go.

So how do you overcome this? First, start with identifying and naming your feelings. Identifying those feelings goes far beyond sad, happy, joyful, angry … find the words that clearly and concisely describe your feelings. Break out that thesaurus and find out what your feelings are and understand them! You can’t fix something if you don’t know what it is, so once you can truly identify what those feelings are, you’re healing process has begun.

6: Figure Out What Causes Your Feelings

This will be easy and at first, it might seem like everything makes you feel something but that’s good! That means you’re human, and part of learning to let things go is knowing that you will have a feeling about almost everything but then you let it go. So again, this takes mindfulness and awareness on your part but is far easier to identify than the feelings themselves but part of letting go of those feelings is knowing what causes them. Like I said, this is easy because this is the reactive side of things. You will know right away what causes your feelings; make the choice to reflect rather than react.

If seeing old pictures stirs up those feelings, don’t not look at them. Look at them, but understand your feelings and how the feelings affect you; be mindful of how they affect you and then stop letting it affect you. But in the same sense, if you have to unfollow some people do it, if you have to stop seeing certain people, do it. You’re healing process is your own so do what makes sense for you but do it mindfully.

5: Forgive Yourself

If you can’t forgive yourself for feeling the way you feel, you will never be able to move on from those feelings. Forgiveness is so healing and even though you may not have been the best person in your past, or maybe your thoughts are super toxic and cruel or maybe you find yourself mentally bullying someone. Whatever it is, if you catch yourself doing it and make the right strides to correct your actions, thoughts, feelings … forgive yourself. We are human and we will make mistakes. That is part of the learning curve but forgiveness is a big key for letting go.

4: Forgive Those That Have Hurt You

We can argue about this all day, but as long as you are holding on to whatever happened to you, you will not be able to let it go. This is very hard because you may feel like you’re accepting what happened and what they did to you but you’re not. Just because you forgive someone for hurting you, doesn’t mean you’re accepting what they did. You’re accepting that it happened, you’re acknowledging what you learned from the experience and that it’s time to move on.

3: Live in the Present

How many of us reminisce on the past? Everyone. How many of us let those memories affect our current mood/mindset? I used to, that’s for sure. But ask yourself this, how can I move on with my life, if I’m still consumed with the past? You can’t and it’s basic physics. An object cannot move forward if being held back by an equal or greater force. Appreciate your past, and thank it for getting you to where you are but don’t revel in it. Don’t wish you could go back, and don’t let the emotions that come with those memories affect your current state. It’s ok to feel what you’re feeling, but don’t hold on to it. Identify those feelings, identify what brought it up, thank your past for those memories, take a deep breath, and let it go.

2: Recognize that Change is Constant

If you can master this, letting go will not only be easier but you won’t have to do it as much. The only thing that is constant in this world is change. People come and go, things come and go, animals come and go. Nothing in the world is permanent, even the mark you leave on the world will one day be replaced. So don’t worry about it! Why worry about something that you have no control over. Don’t become so attached and so emotionally dependent that when things or people exit your life, it’s earth shattering. I’m guilty of not mastering this but non-attachment and accepting change makes letting go of those feelings and people and memories so much easier.

1: Accept That Where You Are Right Now, Is Exactly Where You’re Meant To Be

Whether you believe it or not, there is something bigger than us out there and it’s nudging us in the right directions. Even if you have hit rock bottom and you’re reading this thinking, “Yeah effing right.” There is a plan for you, but you can’t fight it, you have to be mindful of where you are and what you’ve been through and be willing to move forward. Be grateful for your experiences, as bad and painful as some of them are, and be thankful for those learning experiences and know how those things impacted your life and how you grew as a person from them.


I really hope this helps some of you. Personal growth and development is such a personal undertaking that each person’s path will be totally different. These are things that helped me grow from my past and leave those emotions in the past and it’s really impacted my life in a positive manner.

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Overcoming the Loser Mentality

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Today I want to switch things up and talk about how to change your mindset and get out of the Loser Mentality. That might sound harsh but hopefully once I explain what it is, you’ll understand what I mean.

The Loser Mentality, and I am very guilty of this, is that mindset of, “Why not me?”, “Why can’t I be successful?”, “If they were successful doing this, why aren’t I?”. If you do this, you will not be successful. Guaranteed. Comparing yourself to your peers, or rather competition, is the best way to stay stagnant because you end up in paralysis analysis and end up going nowhere. When you’re always focused on what everyone else is doing, you can’t focus on what you need to do. Read on for 7 things that might be keeping you in the Loser Mentality.


Don’t Feel Pressured to Be an Overnight Success!

This one, this one right here should be your daily mantra! Being successful, and proving that I’m successful has literally eaten me alive and I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one suffering from this but we need to stop …. NOW! Life is not a race. Success is not a race. Everyone goes at their own speed so take your time and enjoy the process. If you’re constantly pressuring yourself to be as good as this person, or as successful as that person etc … you’re always going to be down on yourself and it will affect your ability to achieve your dreams! Don’t compare your success to others, be inspired by their success! When you catch yourself analyzing someone’s blog or twitter and you’re wondering, “Why not me?”, stop and adjust your mindset right there! Instead, ask yourself, “What can I learn from their page?”, this will get you much farther but the first step is to acknowledge that your mind is going down that rabbit hole first.

Ask For Help

You ever hear the saying, “It takes a village …”, being successful is no different. You need a village to help you for so many different reasons but the most important, is that your village can help you when you’re struggling. Not getting enough exposure? Ask your village to help promote your work/site/business. Not sure what your next step is? Ask your village what they did next. Running out of ideas? Engage with your village and be inspired by what they have to say! Don’t be too stubborn to ask for help, even if you’re a one-person band, having a support system is so important and having those connections can pay off big time.

Stop Competing

Life is not a competition and I had to learn this one the hard way! I played sports competitively my entire life and I prided myself on being the best and always wanted to be the best and was not going to let anyone get in the way of that. But you know where that left me in the end? Alone and without a support system. I honestly only just realized the importance of this within the last 6 months. My boyfriend and I used to work together; hired into the same position and did the same work. I started taking initiative and doing extra work but he got promoted before me. I was so angry and grew indifferent about a job I loved because of my competitive nature. The craziest thing was that it wasn’t like I lost the promotion to some random person I worked with, I lost it to my boyfriend and so I also felt betrayed but it wasn’t his fault. It was mine. I was looking at him saying, “I do more work than you and I know more than you. It should’ve been me.” Instead, I should’ve been asking, “What was he doing that I wasn’t?” because he clearly did something right. Even though I was doing more work and taking initiative in terms of teaching and leading, that wasn’t what I was hired to do so the work I was doing was irrelevant and yeah, I for sure knew more about the job than he but I wasn’t showing that. I was showing that I can work hard and do a lot of things but not that I was proficient at the job at hand so I was the reason I lost the promotion.

That was hard pill to swallow but once I did I started looking back on my past and realized that my inability to stop competing with those around me, has caused me to lose a lot of friends and opportunities. Now I’m not saying to stop competing all together but you need to know the difference between healthy competition and toxic competition. Toxic competition is based on fear and scarcity; the belief that there’s only so much success to be had. That’s not true at all, and even more so in today’s world than ever! There’s 7 billion people on this planet and that number is growing everyday, just about anyone can attain some level of success if you find your market. This fear then purports the mentality that you have to win at all costs, and this will cause you the most trouble.

Healthy competition is looking at someone and saying, “What they did was awesome, I can do it too!” Healthy competition allows you to grow and maintain relationships with people around you that have done or are doing what you are. It also prevents you from becoming bitter about the success of those around you; it forces you to champion their success just as much as yours. Even if you are direct competition, you shouldn’t be trying to take them down, you should be trying to work with them and use each other to motivate and inspire your work.

If your mentality about competing in the real world is about winning, you’re already losing. Attaining success isn’t about “winning”, you’re not beating someone to a finish line so just eliminate the word winning from your vocabulary when it comes to explaining or planning out your success. There’s plenty of time, be patient and put in the work.

Your Main Focus Shouldn’t Be Attention

This is a tough one considering how important a role social media and attention is to marketing and exposure but this shouldn’t be your main focus. This goes back to competition; if you’re main focus is gaining as much attention as possible, you’re going to lose sight of the goal and you’re going to lose yourself because you’ll be willing to do whatever it takes to get that attention. No one will pay attention to you if you’re begging for it but no one will notice you if you’re not calling attention to yourself either so you have to find that happy medium. Spend an hour or two a day promoting on social media but the rest of your interactions should be just that, real life interactions. When you show people that you’re real and that you’re in it with them, they’re more likely to support you and the exposure will come. But if you’re just promoting and having ingenuine interactions, people can see through that and they won’t want to listen to you or help you.

DO THE WORK

This is one of my biggest pet peeves when it comes to the never-ending loop of being stuck in the Loser Mentality. Everyday, I hear from people who do nothing but complain about their situation. I know that everyone needs to vent and that life gets overwhelming so I’m more than happy to lend an ear but when you’re complaining that you’re broke and you can’t believe you got fired again or that it’s not fair that your sibling has a better job but you’re more dedicated … My only question to you is, what are you going to do about it?

If you are going to complain about how unsuccessful you are and if you’re down because you haven’t achieved anything, do something about it and if you’re not willing to do the work to get there, don’t complain about it. You’re mentality is the biggest reason you’re stuck where you are. The only difference between successful and unsuccessful people is that unsuccessful people put limitations on what they think they’re capable of achieving. I know it’s cliche but the old saying, “shoot for the moon and you’ll land amongst the stars” is a good catch-phrase to remember. You may not be as successful or as rich as Bill Gates, but you won’t know how close you can get if you don’t put in the work and try.

Take Accountability for Your Actions and Faults

I cannot stress this enough. Accountability will get so much farther in life than you could ever imagine. Owning up to your own crap and your own downfalls is a very integral step towards achieving your dreams. I’ve had a few relevating moments within the last 12-months and my outlook on life, and my ability to work and my dedication to my work has been the main benefactor of my ability to take ownership of my actions and the things I need to work on. This can range from binge eating and making excuses for it to having your car towed off the street because you’re 90-days late on your registration. Both are your fault and if you keep making excuses for yourself, you’re not going to grow and growth is important to achieving success.

Lastly,

Define What Success Means To You

This is the last thing that can help get you out of that Loser Mentality. What does success mean to you? This question right here, if and when you define it, will change your whole mindset. Success to me, means not having to work for someone else. Whatever that ends up manifesting into, that’s how I’m going to define my success. Once I identified what I wanted my definition of success to be, my whole outlook changed. I started waking up earlier and working harder, networking more and I became inspired. I stopped looking at my peers and comparing my accomplishments to theirs because our goals are different, our paths are different and our definitions of success are different, so why am I comparing myself to them? Instead, I started using those people as resources and building relationships with them so that they would support me the same way I had supported them.


I know recognizing our faults and areas of improvement can be hard because we’re looking at ourselves and telling ourselves, “You can do better” and that can be tough. However, if you just adjust a few things, your quality of life can benefit so much and most of it starts with changing your mentality.

Have you ever had to go through something like this? What are some of your best practices? Let me know in the comments or find me on twitter @cashcamel93. Thanks for reading everyone, make sure you subscribe, like, share if you enjoyed this post.


I may profit from purchases made off affiliate links. This allows me to keep posting and writing for this amazing community. Thank you all for your support!